var wisdom = [ 
"Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.", 
"Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it  has gone.",
"Give VIZ and other comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.",
"High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.",
"Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.",
"Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.",
"Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.",
"Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.",
"X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.",
"Wheelchair basketball coaches. Miss out Lourdes from any forthcoming European tours in order to avoid losing your star players.",
"A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.",
"Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.",
"Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your  house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!",
"Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.",
"Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.",
"A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep",
"Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced",
"If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.",
"Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.",
"Clumsy?  Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.",
"Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.",
"Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.",
"Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.",
"Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.",
"Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.",
"Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.",
"Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.",
"Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.",
"Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.",
"Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.",
"A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.",
"Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.",
"Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.",
"Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting  your next fag from the butt of your last one.",
"Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.",
"Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak."
];

var zen = [
"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. JUST LEAVE ME  ALONE.",
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.",
"It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.",
"Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.",
"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.",
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.",
"Never test the depth of the water with both feet.",
"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.",
"It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.",
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.",
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a  mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.",
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.",
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to  fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.",
"If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.",
"Don't squat with your spurs on.",
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.",
"If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.",
"Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.",
"Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.",
"Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes of bad judgement.",
"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in  your pocket.",
"Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.",
"A closed mouth gathers no foot.",
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.",
"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.",
"Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.",
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.",
"Never miss a good chance to shut up.",
"We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse."
];

function SpeakWisdom()
{
	var rn = ((new Date()).getDate() - 1) % wisdom.length;
	var st = '<div class="wisdom"><p class="title">Tip of the Day</p>';
	st += '<p>' + wisdom[rn] + '</p></div>';
	document.write(st);
	return;
}

function DailyZen()
{
	var rn = ((new Date()).getDate() - 1) % zen.length;
	var st = '<div class="wisdom"><p class="title">Your Daily Zen</p>';
	st += '<p>' + zen[rn] + '</p></div>';
	document.write(st);
	return;
}